Social Dynamics 101

“Very few people ever bother to find out what other people really think. They are willing to accept whatever they are told about anyone sufficiently distant.”

― Kim Stanley Robinson, Red Mars

Introduction:

Let’s face it. Relationships are important, and you need them to succeed in life. I’ve fought with this fact for a long time, but the truth is unforgiving. 

“Don’t care what others think about you.”  

That’s the pinnacle of motivational advice. In an ideal utopia, you could get away with doing whatever you want. Unfortunately, we live in somewhat of a dystopia where people judge your every move. 

And you can only ignore opinions for so long. Eventually, they will start to penetrate your psyche; no matter how strong you think you are. 

Also, if you’re a business owner, how can you build a company by not caring about people’s opinions? Your employees are people. Your investors are people. Most importantly, your customers are also people (hopefully).

So when do you listen to other people? And when do you not listen?

It comes down to context. You have to identify how important people’s opinions are to you in specific situations. Sometimes, ignoring the naysayers is the best way to advance with your goals, but other times, listening to feedback is the best move on the board.

The key is frequency. If you keep hearing the same feedback/ advice over & over again, it might just be worth considering. However, there will be certain instances where you’ll come across someone brilliant, who suggests something that others can’t even fathom. 

That answer doesn’t add much solace, does it? 

This is only one of the many questions that add to the complexity of social dynamics.

Understanding human behavior, & learning how to efficiently navigate our daily interactions is the most useful skill we can learn. 

I was discussing this topic with one of my friends, when he suggested a book that completely changed my life in the domain of relationships. 

“How to Win Friends & Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie.

That’s what this post is about. 

Top 5 Teachings:

1. Be Authentic: Be sincere with your praise, and criticize gently. Anyone can criticize, but it takes a special person to understand. Also, sound genuinely interested in the person you’re speaking with. Ask thoughtful questions, and try to find common ground between their interests & yours. Make the other person feel like you care, and give them the sense of importance they yearn for. 

2. Be a Good Listener: Let people talk, and just listen. Everyone wants to feel “heard,” but nobody wants to listen. If you can condition yourself to listen before you talk, the person you’re speaking with will become addicted to conversing with you. 

3. Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests: When you want something, always appear to the other person’s interests. Everyone cares about fulfilling their own desires. No matter what you ask someone to do, ensure that there’s a reward in it for them. 

4. Avoid Arguments: Everyone has their own perspective of situations. If you tell someone that they are wrong, they’ll despise you for it. They’ll double down on their claim, and become defensive. That’s the last thing you want when you’re trying to convince someone to adopt your perspective. Control your temper, and start off by asking them to explain their perspective. Then, ask friendly questions to reveal fallacies in their thinking. From there, you can work with them to develop a better plan. That’s how you avoid arguments, and turn conflict into a win-win situation.

5. Criticism Sandwich: When you do need to criticize someone, there’s a very specific way of going about it: Compliment + Criticism + Compliment. When you think about it, it kind of resembles a sandwich. The compliments are the bread slices, and the criticism is the stuffing. When you use this method to deliver criticism, people walk away feeling good about themselves. 

Saying “NO”:

If you want to build authentic relationships with people, get comfortable with saying “No.”

If you agree to everything people throw your way, you’ll become a people-pleaser, and your life will inevitably become miserable. 

Learn to make people respect your boundaries. 

Helping others, but don’t neglect yourself. 

Closing:

Reading a few books on this topic is not nearly enough to build the charisma we all yearn for. 

This will be a life-long journey, and I’ll be sharing everything I learn.

Apply the concepts from this post, and read Dale Carnegie’s book if you get a chance. 10/10, definitely worth a read.

That’s it for this one! Hopefully, you found this useful. 

Thanks,

J.R.